


Triggers

by Amerana



Series: Trial and Error [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Flashbacks, Hydra (Marvel), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 07:01:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3560471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amerana/pseuds/Amerana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky gets triggered by a lot of things, but the worst are weapons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Triggers

“Oh!” Pepper exclaimed as she walked into the living room ,surprised that she wasn’t the only person in the apartment. “Hey James! How are y-“ she stopped mid sentence, noticing a small shiny object in his hands. She hoped to God that it wasn’t what she thought it was, “W-what do you have there? she asked cautiously, her hand drifting towards the pocket that housed her cell phone.  
  
“It’s a knife” Bucky replied simply, looking up at her. The concern was clear in his eyes. He knew that he shouldn’t have it, but he did any ways. He looked back down at his hands, turning the knife over in them, “I stole it off of Natasha this morning. She was wearing her uniform, and the knife was in a holster,” he looked back up at Pepper, “The next thing I knew it was in my hands and I didn’t know what to do, so I kept it.”  
  
“You know you’re not supposed to be around knives,” Pepper stated, “You could hurt yourself, or someone else.”  
  
“I know I’m not,” he said, his fingers running over the blade, “My therapist thinks that it will make me regress. Turn back into the asset.” His eyebrows furrowed and he looked up, “I-I think that he was right.”  
  
“Why don’t you give me the knife,” Pepper suggested, holding out a hand, “I can take care of it for you.”  
  
“I can’t,” he replied, but he looked confused by his response.  
  
“Why not?” Pepper asked, really starting to worry.  
  
“I-I need it,” he replied.  
  
“What do you need it for?” she asked.  
  
“I’m not sure,” he asked, even more confused, “For-For a mission.”  
  
Pepper pulled out her cell phone then, her hands noticeably shaking. Being alone with Bucky was enough to warrant her being scared. He was, after all, an assassin no more than 6 months ago. It had taken weeks to convince Tony that she would be okay if she was alone in the house with Bucky, because he had been doing so well with his recovery. But now she was home alone with him and he had a knife, and thought he was starting to regress. With shaking hands, she dialed Steve’s phone number and prayed that he was close by.  
  
“You’re calling Steve,” Bucky stated.  
  
It wasn’t a question but Pepper nodded anyways. Bucky nodded back before turning his attention back to the knife, focusing all of his attention on it.  
  
After the second ring, Steve picked up.  
  
“Hello?” he asked.  
  
“Hello,” she replied, trying to keep her voice calm and level. “How far away from the tower are you?”  
  
“I’m probably about 2 miles away. Why?”  
  
“It’s Bucky, I need you to come back now,” Pepper said. Despite her best efforts, panic was clear in her voice.  
  
The other line was quiet for a moment, “Give me 2 minutes,” he said before the line went dead.  
  
Pepper put the phone back in her pocket, not questioning how he was going to make it 2 miles in 2 minutes.  
  
“I’m having intrusive thoughts,” he stated, moving the knife so that he was wielding it. Pepper tensed up, “How long is he going to be?”  
  
“Not long,” Pepper replied, giving a weak smile.  
  
Bucky furrowed his eyes again and looked down at his hands, “Steve used to be my target. “  
  
“But you don’t have targets any more, do you?” she said calmly, “You’re not with Hydra anymore.”  
  
He tensed up at the mention of Hydra, and she immediately regretted her choice of wording. The knuckles on the hand that was holding the knife turned white from him gripping it to hard. “Hail Hydra,” he said bitterly, passing the knife to his other hand, “I remember my mission now.”  
  
“No, James. You don’t have missions. No targets, no missions,” she replied, starting to panic and her heart was beating faster now. Bucky looked up again and his eyes were different this time. The confusion and concern had vanished, replaced with a vacant expression.  
  
Bucky wielded the knife again, “I have my orders, Steve Rogers is my target.”  
  
“Bucky, I need you to listen to me. There is no mission, not any more. You don’t have to listen to the orders.  
  
Bucky looked confused again for a moment before the emotionless expression returned. “They were direct orders. I get punished if I don’t follow direct orders.”  
  
No one here is going to punish you, Bucky,” she said, stepping towards him, “You know that. No one here is going to hurt you. Now, are you sure you can’t give me the knife?”  
  
Bucky stood up, “I must complete the mission. The target must be eliminated.”  
  
“No, don’t do this Bucky. Just sit back down, Steve will be here soon,” she said, stepping closer to him.  
  
Anger flashed in his eyes and in a swift movement he had her pressed up against the wall, knife against her throat. “Collateral damage will be accepted,” he said. Bucky put more pressure on the knife and as he did, the front door was thrown open. Both of them looked over in time to see Steve enter the room. After assessing the situation for a second, he stepped towards them.  
  
“Bucky, let Pepper go,” Steve said, taking step after cautious step.  
  
“You’re my mission,” Bucky said, releasing Pepper. He threw the knife up and caught it in his other hand before lunging at Steve. Steve dodged the blow and tried to get the upper hand.  
  
“Not anymore, Bucky. I’m not your mission anymore, I’m your friend now,” Steve said. Pepper was surprised at how calm he was for someone in the middle of a fight. She stepped to the edge of the room, pressing up against the wall furthest away from them. The two continued to fight until Steve finally managed to pin Bucky against the wall. “You’re okay, Bucky. Everything’s okay. Just let go of the knife.”  
  
Bucky’s expression faltered for a moment, “Bucky,” he repeated.  
  
“Yeah, you’re Bucky. You don’t have to do this anymore. You’re not this person anymore. Please, just give me the knife.”  
  
Bucky furrowed his eyebrows again, “H-Hydra’s gone,” he stated.  
  
“That’s right, Buck. No Hydra, no missions, no targets,” Steve said. Bucky looked into Steve’s eyes, the concern momentarily returning to his eyes. It was gone just as fast as it had returned, and Bucky struggled against the Captain’s grip, trying to escape.  
  
“Calm down, Bucky. I need you to calm down,” Steve said, maintaining his hold on Bucky, “If you don’t stop this, one of us is going to get hurt. I don’t want that to happen, Buck.” They stood there for a while until Bucky stopped fighting against Steve. “You need to drop the knife,” Steve said, looking directly into Bucky’s eyes.  
  
“I need to eliminate the target,” Bucky stated.  
  
“No, you don’t. You don’t have targets anymore,” Steve replied calmly repeating himself, “No targets, no missions, no Hydra.”  
  
“I-I don’t have to do this,” Bucky said, though it sounded more like a question than anything.  
  
“No, you don’t. Can you give me the knife now?” Steve asked.  
  
“Steve?” Bucky said quietly.  
  
“Yes,” Steve said, loosening his grip, “I need you to give me the knife now, okay?”  
  
Bucky faltered for a moment before passing the knife to Steve with shaking hands. “I didn’t mean to,” he said in a quiet voice, sinking down to the floor.  
  
“I know, Buck,” Steve said gently before handing the knife to Pepper, “Can you go lock this up somewhere?” he whispered so Bucky couldn’t hear. Pepper nodded before grabbing the knife and heading out of the room. Once she was out of sight, Steve went back over to Bucky and crouched next to him. “Do you remember now?” he asked in a gentle voice.  
  
Bucky nodded, his face blank and emotionless, “I didn’t mean to,” he repeated, his voice flat.  
  
“I know you didn’t,” Steve said, putting a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, “How do you feel?”  
  
“Numb,” Bucky stated, “Exhausted”  
  
“That’s understandable. That must have been really hard on you,” Steve said.  
  
Bucky nodded and they were both silent for a while until Bucky managed to make himself talk, “I just couldn’t control myself. It’s like he took over, the asset.” Steve didn’t say anything, waiting for Bucky to say more. “It happened so easily, too. Pepper, she said one word and I just snapped.”  
  
“You couldn’t control yourself, Buck. The knife was just too much for you to handle,” Steve said, moving to sit down next to his friend.  
  
“But I should have been in control!”  
  
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s really not been that long since you left Hydra.” They were both silent for a while before Steve broke the silence, “I have to ask. Where did you get the knife from?”  
  
“I stole it from Natasha,” he said, gently hitting his head against the wall behind him, “I couldn’t control that either. I didn’t mean to steal it. It just happened.”  
  
Steve nodded, making a mental note to let Natasha know she should be more careful around Bucky, “Why did you take it?”  
  
Bucky shrugged, “I don’t know.”  
  
“You and I both know that isn’t true.”  
  
Bucky sighed and closed his eyes, “I thought I could handle it. I wanted to prove that I could handle it. That I wasn’t completely broken.”  
  
“You’re not broken, Bucky,” Steve said.  
  
“I am though. I can’t handle being around sharp objects, being around too many people makes me anxious. Sometimes I forget to do simple things, like eat or go to the washroom because no one has ordered me to do it. I have nightmares every night. Hell, I can’t even look at you without thinking ‘target’.”  
  
“But think about how far you’ve come. When you first came here you wouldn’t even talk. You went blank whenever you saw Natasha, you couldn’t express emotions, you had flashbacks ever day,” Steve listed, watching Bucky carefully.  
  
“I still have flashbacks every day,” Bucky said quietly.  
  
“You told me that they stopped,” Steve stated.  
  
“I lied,” he replied, “I don’t want to talk anymore.”  
  
Steve gave him a weak smile, “Alright. But I’m going to call your therapist. I think you should talk to her.”  
  
“Not today, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” Steve replied, watching Bucky walk out of the room.


End file.
